Time and Attention
Once upon a time started a story for thousands of stories from fairy tales to performance storytellers. The once upon a time for those who share their personal stories usually begins with “when I was young” or “when I was your age.” For many who hear this opening statement, it is a cringe moment. For others, it is an opportunity to listen to the perspective of someone with a story to tell.
Meaning and Intention
Meaning or intention is created by the speaker and listener based on their understanding of what is being said, their experiences and expectations.
For instance. “Do you hear what I’m saying?” can sound different depending on your tone or the emotional state you are in.
The phrase can sound snarky or rude, it can sound concerned, or it can be said as an accusation.
Try it out yourself. Say the phrase three different ways. “Do you hear what I’m saying?” How did that sound to your ears? If someone said it to you, how would you receive it?
Everyone Wants to Be Heard
Everyone wants to be seen and heard when they reach out for connection. Don’t you? Children want and need to be seen and heard. How often have you heard a child say, “Watch Me!” Adults crave the same attention, especially from those they love and those who they have to engage with on a daily basis. Like co-workers, families, and leadership.
Remain Calm
Remain calm. Take a physical step back if the person talking seems upset. Take a deep breath. If you can, find a private, quiet space for the conversation.
Believe in Good Intentions
Believe in the good intentions of the person speaking. We all say things we don’t mean when we are upset or anxious. Waiting or expecting someone to say something offensive or unkind is not listening. It’s waiting to respond.
Ask Questions to Understand
If you don’t clearly hear or understand what someone is trying to tell you, how can you then give them an accurate or thoughtful response? Often a response is not what the speaker is seeking, sometimes they just want to be heard.
Listen before you Respond
Too often while someone is speaking to us, we are already thinking about our response. Here’s a tip. Don’t. When someone is speaking to you, just listen. Wait to respond. Then you can thoughtfully consider your answer. If you aren’t sure what the person is really trying to say, ask them. “I heard you say this, is that correct?”
They will confirm or affirm that was the message. If not, you have given them the opportunity to clarify their message.
Put Your Phone Away
Put your phone down. Get it out of your hand. Then you will not be tempted to look at your phone while the person is talking to you. When you gaze at your phone, mess with papers, or do something other than listen, the message you are sending to that the person is that they don’t matter. That you aren’t really interested in what they have to say.
Stay in the Moment
When working with children it is easy for your mind to wander to all the things that must be done or things going on in your personal life. If a child gets up the courage and approaches you do your best to stop whatever you are doing and give them your attention. Instead of bending over them like weeping willow tree, get down on one knee. This shows you value what they have to say.
Sometimes Your Scary
Remember proximity. Some children will not feel comfortable or may become frightened if you are too close, too fast or too loud. Talk softly. And do not force them to look you in the eyes! For some children this will be very uncomfortable. You want them to feel safe.
Listen to them without rushing or finishing their sentences. Be aware that it might take them some time to get to the thing they want to tell you. At that moment make them feel that they are the only person in the room and give them your full attention.
The Person in front of you is the Priority
Unless you have a sick child, someone in the hospital or other emergent situation, do not check your phone if you hear a message come in. Finish your talk with the person in front of you and then check your phone or call back the missed call.
Body Language Cues
Acknowledge what someone is saying with your body language and eye contact. Unless it is someone who will feel uncomfortable with extended eye contact. Watch for cues and be respectful. Watch your own facial ques, like no eye rolling.
For some their safety bubble is a foot away from you and for some it is 6 feet away from you. Respect their boundaries.
And be conscious of your own safety bubble. Taking a step back is ok, or putting boundary between you like a desk, table, or chair. Be subtle.
Bullies and Aggressive Behavior
No one has the right to bully or threaten you. If this happens the conversation is over. You have the right to leave the space. Or calmly request that the person leaves for now. If you cannot leave the room, you can ask for assistance. It is scary for children and adults to witness aggressive behavior and heightened conversations.
Be the Cool Head
Keep your cool and be professional in the room.
Becoming aggressive yourself never goes well. Your first consideration needs to be safety. Connect with your supervisor about what happened. It is your director or supervisor who should connect with the speaker.
You’re not on your Own
Sometimes the conversation should include you, your supervisor, and the speaker. Connect with your supervisor to schedule a time when all three of you can attend. Let them make the arrangements.
Really Listening to Understand
This conversation was about listening, really listening to value others and find meaning together. I will cover responding in a future vlog.
Remember to breathe! Do your best to listen. And be kind out there.
Debbie Hasbrook M.Ed.
